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July 23rd, 2008
01:15 pm
I know I've not been good to this blog, but a lot of things have happened in the last eight months or so. I don't feel like listing them right here, right now, but the important thing to note now is that I am currently working as an Editor with The Nut Graph. We launch in August, and I'm pretty busy trying to pull things together. It's pretty exciting, and I'm really happy to be part of the team. I won't say anything more about the team just yet, because this relates to where this blog of mine could or should head.
See before, this blog was a place for me to air my public voice. But now that I am employed by The Nut Graph, my public voice will come from my writings in The Nut Graph. And I have to figure out what purpose my LiveJournal blog is going serve. I'm supposing it'll still be a place where I talk about a lot of things, from my art, to my feelings (especially my grief of late), to my gigs and so on. But it will not become a repository of my writings for The Nut Graph. Not just yet anyway. It will not become a place where I talk about what happens at the office. I want to make that separation clear. It will not be a place where I out-scoop my colleagues in the field of journalism.
Just thought I'd make that clear - I myself am trying to figure out what role my particular blog can play in the larger landscape of blogging and online news. It's important to me to maintain both journalistic integrity, and artistic and personal ethics while doing this. And I'm convinced it can be done in interesting, or at least non-boring, ways.
OK cukuplah di sini. I thought I was going to write such a long treatise on the evolving role of journalism and the arts and so on. Tak yah lah. I'll post when I post.
Current Location: The Office
Current Mood: determined
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July 19th, 2008
12:15 am - Witness
I just don't want to go to sleep. I'm afraid of what I will see in my mind when I close my eyes. Already before this I saw her again. I saw the funeral again. I saw her body laid out in her sister's house. I saw her blowing me a kiss goodbye the last day I saw her alive.
Some days I am happy, and then I get defensive about being happy. Why should I not be happy? Why do I need to grieve 24 hours a day? And then on days like today I want the grief to go away. I want it all to go away. I want her back. I want her healthy and strong, funny and fierce. I want her back in my life.
And I want to know so badly that she's watching over me. Because she promised me that. She promised me that whatever happened to her, she would be watching over me. And I told her I didn't know what to say to that. That I didn't want anything to happen to her. That watching over me wasn't enough. We both cried, and she said that that was the best she could do.
I think these thoughts as I lay in bed. And I try to calm myself down. I try to process them. But then I think it's difficult to process thoughts like this on your own. I think I need a witness to my thoughts. To my grief.
And I feel like I could go insane sometimes - having to deal with my personal grief, and also figure out what exactly is going on in this country right now. And I try so hard to respond, to take a stand, to fight for what I believe is just and right. But it's so hard to do that and reckon with the grief that just drowns me sometimes. Like tonight.
I'm going through my phone wondering whom to call. Whom to express this grief to? I don't want to bore my friends and family about it. I already had a long chat with my sister this afternoon about this, and she was lovely about it, but I don't want to sound like a broken record. I don't want to tire out the people around me. By always talking about her. By always referring to her. And I don't like falling apart in front of people - not even my friends. When I can't help it then there's nothing I can do lah kan? No need to be embarrassed. But during other moments, I need to grieve alone, but I also need the grief documented. I need this documentation released into the universe somehow, just so that I can refer to it again one day in the future, and I will know that it was real. And then other people would be able to witness it and refer to it too. So that I know I exist. I grieve, therefore I am. That sort of thing.
I feel like if I crack open my grief, I will fall headlong into it and I will not stop falling, forever unable to crawl out of it.
But see, ten minutes of crying and the tears have stopped. For now. They might start falling again once I log off. And then I'll just have to deal with the night as the seconds tick by, I guess.
Celaka betul lah this grief. Here I was wanting to be practically bi-lingual with my blog. Well, it looks like I grieve in English.
Current Location: Home
Current Mood: ![[mood icon]](http://p-stat.livejournal.com/img/mood/classic/sad.gif) melancholy
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November 8th, 2007
11:01 am - Happy Deepavali!
Or Divali, as some of my friends call it. The craziness in my life hasn't let up. Just got back from Singapore where I attended a very inspiring and mind-blowing conference - the 3rd Asean Civil Society Conference. As usual, there's even more work to do now. But today I am resting. And today, I am also enjoying Deepavali. Got some open houses to go to later.
Deepavali means something to me, too. One important person in my childhood (and the childhood of my siblings) was our domestic worker/carer/friend, Aka Kamala. For as long as I can remember as a child and teenager, every Deepavali, we would go to Aka's house and celebrate with her family. When Raya and Deepavali fell together, it was really nice, because then the sharing of food, company and visits became doubly joyful (and chaotic).
Happy Deepavali, all. May our houses and lives remain open to each other. May the light of our purest intentions triumph over the darkness of sectarianism, bigotry and intolerance.
Current Location: At home
Current Music: Ani Di Franco - 'Reprieve'
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October 19th, 2007
09:06 am - And it's back to the grind...
I'm forcing myself to keep this blog alive! No lah, I guess I shouldn't be so hard on myself. Things have been crazy indeed. The Friday night candlelight vigil for Burma a couple of weeks ago was a success (and it's crucial now more than ever to ensure the campaign on Burma stays on target and doesn't lose steam). My two gigs at Groove Junction with Azmyl went very well indeed, and Raya was fun (but still complicated lah). And right now, Instant Cafe Theater and Sisters in Islam are organizing a wonderful playwrights exchange at the Central Market Annexe, which I unfortunately cannot go for because I leave for Singapore today to perform at the Singapore Sun Festival tomorrow!
Anyway, if anyone's in Singapore, do feel free to come watch. Admission is free. I'm performing on Saturday night, 20 October, starting at 8pm, at the IndoChine Waterfront. Also performing tomorrow night are Isaac Entry and Farid Ali.
And here's the latest piece I wrote for The Sun. This one's provoked a lot of passionate responses - many folks are writing saying they agree with me, and equally many are equally passionate about disagreeing. I think that's healthy. I just wish some of the disagreements would focus on countering the points I raise, rather than use ad hominems to dismiss me personally. Here goes:
Should we go or should we stay?
Shanon Shah
Ever since I started telling people that I’m now a paid human rights worker, I’ve been asked the same question, "Are you sure you can do anything, ah? It’s very difficult to change Malaysia you know." At this point I’ll admit to them that there are indeed plenty of restrictions in this country, and that we as individuals and as a society are shackled in many ways. But this is where my analysis diverges from that of my interrogators. I’ve lost count of the number of Malaysians I’ve met who therefore conclude, "It’s time to leave the country." But the home ministry hasn’t lost count. Already, 106,000 Malaysians have given up their citizenship between 1996 and 2007, according to the ministry. Let me clarify that I am not casting judgment on my fellow Malaysians who feel that there are opportunities in other countries too tempting to miss. I know first-hand what it’s like to want to live in another country.
Current Location: At home
Current Music: Neon Bible - Arcade Fire
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October 10th, 2007
02:40 pm - Eid Mubarak
It's that time of the year again. A special time for some, a dreadful time for others. I don't understand why Raya is now synonymous with crass commercialism, jingoism, religious chauvinism and the sheer terror of fatal road accidents.
And this Raya is going to be a somber Raya - what with the crisis in Burma still going on, and the nation still mourning Nurin Jazlin.
Having said that, my own personal Raya has always been one of love, one of reflection and an event spent with the people who are closest to me. Accepting them, warts and all, and remembering that we all make mistakes and that we are all on a journey to become better people.
So, here's wishing everyone a safe, loving and hopeful Raya. Selamat Hari Raya, maaf zahir dan batin. Eid mubarak.
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